It’s something I’ve never really thought much about – my hair. I have baby-fine, mostly straight with a mild frizz type of hair. I’ve never been particularly adept at styling it and if I can get through a day without anyone really noticing anything about my hair at all, it’s a win.

I wonder…. Do you think cancer was God’s way of teaching me to stop griping about my hair?

At any rate, I debuted my crew cut at work this week. It was every bit as awkward and uncomfortable as I knew it would be. My work place is a vast building with over 1,000 workers and it will likely take months before I see everyone. Meaning, I’ll relive this ‘first day sporting a crew cut’ day over and over and over for… could take three months before I run into everyone.

There will be several first-time walking into meetings with various people, several first-time ‘I didn’t recognize you’ moments and several ‘You cut your hair!’ It’s exhausting.

The whole hair journey has been exhausting – a year full of intense scrutiny over how I look.

‘How does she look?’ ‘Has she lost weight?’ ‘Is she looking energetic today?’ ‘Does she still have hair?’ ‘Has she shaved her head?’ ‘Man that’s a great wig’ ‘I’m going to take a much closer look so I can really see that hairline’ ”Does she have eyebrows?’ ‘She looks good today’ ‘She doesn’t look like a cancer patient’ ‘She still has eyelashes’ ‘Yikes, she looks like a cancer patient.’

That goes on and on all year, every time you interact with someone.

I know it’s out of care and concern for my well-being. But I hate it. I’d hate that kind of scrutiny on my best day, let alone during a time I feel so painfully unattractive and uncomfortable in my own body.

But I hated wearing that wig. I felt like I was wearing a costume. I felt ridiculous sitting in a room where people know I have cancer and don’t have hair but I’m sitting here in fake hair (real hair, actually. $2,700 worth of human hair – that insurance does not cover) But still.

It was itchy, and hot. And so itchy. Itchy, itchy, itchy. Alllll daaaaaay lonnnnnnng itchy. I hated it. The wig allowed me to blend in when I wanted or needed to which is a gift in those moments, but I hated it.

So, while it’ll be a long slog, I guess I may as well get it started, right?

Day 1, down.

So, I guess I’m officially a gal with a really, really short pixie-ish, crew cut type of hairdo. The type people look at and think ‘I wonder why she wants such a short haircut?’

From this ol’ wig (I took this the day before I went without the wig. I wanted to show how high the snow pile was) to that. No wonder people are shocked, right?